deerlybeloved (deerington)

[herbmancer]

deerlyBeloved: @thechemist Like the great Marvin Gaye once said, let's hit a bong and get it on.

( Josh | 25 | M | Consent )

Comments

UN: HighKing

[spectacularlyhighking]

Really? That's all you've got? I'm not sure whether to be jealous or mock you for how unoriginal it is.

[herbmancer]

_{[This last week has been just... like. A lot. And he's pretty sure he shouldn't be answering this phone he found--morally, for one thing, and the skeevy personal lives of dating app participants, for another--but with how slow business has been of late, he's admittedly bored.]}

Disclaimer: I don't know who you are

Or whose phone this is

But I gotta be honest, I kind of think it's charming. Not too long, just long enough to tease your interest.

[spectacularlyhighking]

[.... uh oh.]

This is Eliot... you're not Josh?

[herbmancer]

No, sorry.

_[Um.]

I'm Isaac.

[spectacularlyhighking]

[Shit...

Well now it's just Josh's turn to lose his marbles.]

Okay. Isaac. Where do you think you are?

[herbmancer]

_{[Well, all right, then. He'll play along.]}

At the pizza joint?

Sorry, I suppose I could've led with that. I'm happy to hand this off to its rightful owner but they don't hold your order forever down here and I wanted to make sure I got it first.

[spectacularlyhighking]

[Fuck.]

Not to sound super cryptic but are you feeling alright? There's an illness going around. You can't be too careful.

[herbmancer]

Thanks, man, that's real nice of you to ask. I love the big hearts in small towns.

_{[ASKING ABOUT HIS HEALTH, THAT'S THOUGHTFUL...]}

Been better, but I'm hanging in there. You?

deerlyBeloved UN: Sparkler

[nottevintersoldier]

I'm not sure what a bong is.

[herbmancer]

_{[Should he feel sorry for this Josh dude that he's getting friendzoned by gay men on a dating app?]}

A miraculous invention, that's what.

[nottevintersoldier]

[Better than being friendzoned by men you're interested in sleeping with? Besides, Josh, don't you have that whole werewolf thing??]

Oh? Do tell?

[herbmancer]

_{[The only statistically improbable scenario here is werewolves, because lol, those don't exist, don't be silly!]}

Bongs are for smoking. They're great. 10/10, would recommend.

[nottevintersoldier]

Smoking? Is that all?

Sorry, I don't mean to sound skeptical but it doesn't really sound that special?

[herbmancer]

_{[The Josh of much later is going to laugh and laugh when he looks back at this. The virus-addled Josh of now is moderately less likely to launch into a TED talk on the subject, fortunately for Dorian.]}

You don't smoke much, huh.

un: top price

[tagartist]

this is the smoothest shit i've seen yet

[herbmancer]

_{[Blue-haired girl! He loves your profile pic!]}

Really? Wish I could take credit. I'm actually terrible at dating profiles.

Would it be weird to return the swipe just because I think your tattoos look really cool?

[tagartist]

[ That makes two of them. ]

same, tho i think i still could've written a better one than what i got

i don't think so, people swipe right for way weirder reasons

[herbmancer]

_{[At least the profile gremlins got one thing right. Not that Josh's is wrong. It may in fact veer towards embarrassingly accurate, all things considered.]}

You didn't write yours? Is getting your profile ghost written like an internet dating thing?

Well, in that case I'd give you a definite swipe right if I was this guy!

_{[It types like Josh, it sounds like Josh, but this is the first warning the responder might not be quite up to the usual Josh standards.]}

Yeah, you don't have to tell me, that reads super wrong. I'm not creeping, honest. I just found this phone. I didn't even mean to look, but this thing was beeping like crazy. We're both guilty of thinking this is some pretty smooth stuff.

[tagartist]

i'm like 90% sure it's a deerington special, but tbf, i didn't use dating apps back home

i'm *also* equally sure picking up someone's phone and going into their dating app is still creeping, tho, no matter what, so i'm gonna call bull on that one
josh is prob missing his FLUID

[herbmancer]

I see where you're coming from, but in my defense, I did not know what that button would do when I pressed it, and then there was flashing, and colors, and this happened.

_{[Unleashing this dating app might be the one and only thing Isaac flavor ever did right for original flavor Josh.]}

Do you know him? Well enough to take this puppy into your custody? Isaac has it. I drive the taxi.

_{[The taxi because he likes to think he's better than the mediocrity implied by a taxi.]}

[tagartist]

i guess that’s fair enough

and yeah, i probably can take it off your hands. i’m usually at the comic shop if you wanted to swing by and drop it off

[herbmancer]

I still have a few hours on the clock, but I think I can manage that!

Let him know even I'd consider dating him with swagger like that.

_[...]

I guess he'll just read this later. Hi, I'm Isaac, I swear I'm not a creeper. I don't really understand how dating apps work.

[tagartist]

i'll make sure he gets the memo just in case he chooses not to look at this thing
tho knowing josh, he'll def look at this thing

at least we know he'll have plenty of receipts of your for-sure-not-creepiness in case he's still wondering

[herbmancer]

You seem like a cool person and you swiped right on him! I hope he does look at this thing! (The right swipe is the good swipe, right?)

I'm aiming for a good customer review. I can get you anywhere you need to be, I return lost phones, and I offer free mints.

[tagartist]

it's the "let's bang" swipe so yeah, i think so

holy shit really?? i love mints

[herbmancer]

In case you needed more proof dating apps aren't my scene, there it is. Thanks for clearing that up.

Oh yeah, man. I'm happy to hook you up right after I hook this guy up as an apology for embarrassing him on his own phone.